Why Me?
by Virgo girl 14
Summary: An insight to Trudi's thoughts... UPDATED 7/5/12
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Plot bunnies threatened to kill me if I didn't write this. I didn't really think that the storyline fit in with the rest of what was happening in the school... And I find Trudi annoying at the best of times... for some reason, however, I felt she was shown in a cold light in that episode, and I don't think her thoughts have been explored much. I'm rambling. I'm going to shut up now and hope that you would be kind enough to read or at least review :) Please, enjoy

**Why Me?**

Trudi Siddiqui scowled at the computer screen in front of her. She'd forgotten the anniversary of her mother's death, on top of all that, that morning she'd found out she was pregnant. She was unintentionally pushing away the very people that could help her. But when she found herself in a situation she could not control, she found herself resorting to her defence mechanism of bottling everything up.

It wasn't Finn's fault she was stressing. She had no idea why she was even making him think he'd done something wrong. He had been patient with her, gentle, caring. He'd lost his girlfriend less than a year ago, so she knew there was a reason behind him being partially guarded himself. But she also felt he wasn't truly over Sam. Whenever she heard about the girl, nobody had a bad word to say about her. In all honesty, Trudi knew she was jealous. Jealous of the bond this girl clearly had with her friends, even Finn. She felt that in Finn's eyes she could never match up to Sambuca Kelly. But she never asked him.

Trudi looked up to see Madi walking into the student common room, and she quickly closed the search she was making on the computer and logged off as the young blonde smiled at her and said hello.

"Hey..." Trudi said, tucking her dark hair behind her ears.

Madi looked up as she sat down. "You alright?"

"Yeah just... just things on my mind that's all..." Trudi nodded, gave her a fake smile and she walked out before any more questions could be asked, and she walked straight into Tariq.

'_Great... You are the last person I want to see._' she thought irritably, but she walked with her brother anyway, and lead him into an empty music classroom.

'_No you stupid idiot I'm not on diet pills!_' she screamed in her head, tears in her eyes now as her brother started ranting about Finn. "I'm not losing weight." she told him calmly.

"What is it then? Something's not right with you Trud!" Tariq said.

"I can't tell you..." Trudi said, her calm exterior wavering. '_This doesn't happen to people like me! You hear of this from girls not being careful! We were!_'

"Why not?"

"If I do it means it's really happening." she said, starting to tremble a little, and she tried to calm her breathing.

Tariq looked confused.

"I don't want to be another statistic Tariq! This happens to girls too stupid to know any better!" Trudi could see it all coming together in his head. Finn was so dead...

Tariq reached out to her gently, raging inside, he needed to hear her say it so he could go rip that piece of scum limb from limb for even touching his sister. "I'm your brother. If you've got a problem, we can sort it, as a family."

'_Tariq you can't..._' she thought sadly. "I'm pregnant."

Tariq stared. And there it was. He dropped his hand from her arm. "I'm gonna kill him."

"Tariq please! Don't!" Trudi pleaded, only just keeping her resolve. She wasn't going to cry. Not here. She was too proud. "He doesn't know!"

"Why were you so stupid?" he ranted, looking like he wanted to kill Finn there and then if he laid eyes on the boy.

"We weren't.. we were just.. I'm gonna sort it. I'm not ready for this." Trudi said.

"You're gonna get rid of it?"

"He doesn't need to know..."

Tariq looked at his sister for a moment. It wasn't like her. She wasn't usually so..._cold_ toward situations like this. How often had he heard her shouting through the corridors about giving everyone a voice. Wasn't this taking Finn's voice away from him? Regardless of what he thought of Finn and how much he wanted to kill him, Tariq didn't think this was fair on him. But that didn't stop him from saying; "Well then I'll be there with you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Why Me?**

'_He doesn't need to know... He doesn't need to know..._' Trudi told herself, mainly trying to convince herself that it was the truth. She stood in her bathroom, she turned on the cold tap and splashed her face with water, turned the tap off and grabbed the towel from the rail at the side of the porcelain bowl and she dried her face.

"Trudi hurry up! It's not just you running late for school!" Tariq shouted, banging on the door.

"Hang on!" Trudi snapped, glaring at herself in the mirror, straightening up her uniform and she sighed heavily. She turned on her heel, walked to the door, unlocked it and she opened it, walking out just as Tariq barged his way inside and shut the door behind him. Trudi just rolled her eyes and walked to her bedroom, picking up her bag and phone and she walked down the stairs, past her sister and she walked straight out the door.

"Trudi wait up!" Naseem called after her, starting out after her.

"Nas I just want to walk on my own, please." Trudi said as gently and as firmly as she could without snapping and she carried on walking, dialling a number and she pressed call, putting it to her ear.

Naseem slowed her pace, watching her sister walk away. Something wasn't right with Trudi. Then she realised something. Zack's sister Madi talks to Trudi, maybe Madi would have mentioned something. Running back to get her coat and her bag, she pulled her phone from her coat pocket and called Zack while she waited for Tariq to emerge from the bathroom. "Zack? Has Madi mentioned anything about Trudi?" she asked, keeping her voice quiet so her father wouldn't hear from the kitchen.

"Only that sshe seemed a bit distracted a few days ago. She thought it was cause she forgot about..." Zack trailed off. "Why do you ask?"

"She hasn't been right since then... I think something's up with her... I'm worried about her."

"Tell her she's probably the wrong side of the month or something!" Naseem heard Madi call in the background, which caused her to let out a small laugh.

"I'll talk to you in school." Naseem said and hung up, putting her coat on as Tariq came down the stairs.

"Who was that?" he asked.

"Just Zack, asking if I'm going in today." Naseem said and walked out, followed shortly by her brother who didn't say anything else on the matter.

* * *

All day Trudi had been distracted. Her phone call to the abortion clinic hadn't been as helpful as she thought it would. The woman on the other end had advised her to see her doctor before making any decision. Trudi didn't want somebody to talk to, she knew her own mind. She knew she had to get rid of th-it before it was too late. She could't get too attached, not now. She'd be cast away from her family and lose everything if she kept it. She had to make a decision about Finn too. Tariq wouldn't keep this secret forever, he'd end up going after Finn for sure... she couldn't risk that happening. She hated having to hurt him, he hadn't left her alone since she broke up with him at lunchtime, she had to make sure he wouldn't be able to look at her again. Seeing his heartbreak turn to anger at her seemed a lot more easier to deal with than seeing his heartbreak and wanting her back in her mind.

'_Why couldn't things just be simple?_' she thought as she walked out of Maths as the last period bell rang.

"Trudi you alright?" Madi asked as she followed on after her.

"Yeah..." Trudi nodded, feeling a little sick to the stomach at what she was going to do when she saw Finn...the one she was supposed to love despite everyone saying it was wrong.

"You don't look too sure. Is it cause of.. you know. What happened last week?" Madi looked concerned for the girl. She wouldn't exactly call her a friend, not properly anyway. But she wasn't about to turn her back on her if she needed support.

"Something like that... I've got to go, Tariq will be waiting." Trudi said and made a quick exit into the crowd of students all wanting to go home.

Madi just stood, staring after her. Part of her wanted to follow, but she didn't really want to face Tariq. The less she had to do with that... _boy _for want of a better word, the better.

Trudi made her way out of the school doors and across the playground, trying to ignore Finn's shouts of her name until she couldn't any longer. She sighed heavily and turned on her heel.

"Not again Finn." she told him, unable to look him in the eye.

"I don't understand?"

If she had, she'd have seen how lost he looked.

"Just accept that it's over." Trudi forced herself to look at him, could feel her resolve crumbling. She wanted to tell him. Tell him why she was feeling so messed up. But she couldn't bring herself to. She didn't want that burden hanging over him. "It's the end of the year you didn't seriously think we had a future?" She'd only known him for half the year! Why did she feel like this? Why did being a teenage girl have to be so confusing and conflicting?

"Yeah course I did! Cause you love me, remember?" his dark eyes boring into her own, imploring for a more logical answer, a more 'Trudi' like answer.

Trudi took a deep breath. 'C_ome on it's now or never._' she thought, and she removed his hand from her face. "I don't love you. I only went with you to wind up Tariq." she said and walked away, though inside, begging him not to believe her, wanting him to run after her and demand the truth. She forced herself to carry on walking, a lone tear falling down her cheek. She didn't look back to see his reaction, it would haunt her forever if she did.


	3. Chapter 3

**Why Me?**

'_I can do this... I can. I don't need the added stress yet._' Trudi tried to convince herself as she sat alone in the waiting room of the clinic. She had all but screamed at her brother telling him to wait outside, he was determined he was going to be there with her. She ended up saying people may think he was her boyfriend not her brother, which made him stay where he was. Trudi may not care what the outside world thought of her, but she knew Tariq did. He was much like their father in that aspect. He liked to think he was respected, like he had a place in the world, only Tariq had gone completely the wrong way about it, getting involved with the wrong people. Trudi was much like their mother. Headstrong, determined, proud.

'_I wish you were here mum... You would know what to do..._' she thought sadly as she watched as every person that was in the same room wasn't alone. Then something clicked in her mind. As though her mother had given her a gentle nudge in the right direction. '_Finn needs to know..._' she told herself and she quickly stood up, grabbing her bag and running back out.

"That was quick." Tariq looked as his sister came walking out of the building.

"I can't do this. Finn needs to know it's not fair." Trudi rambled trying to get everything out before Tariq could butt in.

"After everything? Trudi you said it yourself." Tariq reminded her.

"I know... But I can't..."

"So you're keeping it?"

"I don't know..."

Tariq wouldn't say it out loud, but he had to admit he was grateful his sister had come to her senses about Finn. If she had left it another few minutes he was sure he would have called Finn himself and told him. Not that the idiot would believe him. It wasn't often Tariq was nice in school, he had to keep up his reputation, and making Finn Sharkey's life hell seemed part of that plan as easy as breathing.

"Come on, we'll be late for school." he told her, and walked with her toward the school.

* * *

Trudi spent the morning trying to avoid Finn as much as possible.

Lauren was confused at the situation. Not only was Josh acting all weird on her, but Finn was sulking over his break up with Trudi. '_Sam would have tore you apart._' she thought, trying not to glare at Trudi.

Trudi was unusually quiet, shrugging off her sister whenever she asked her if everything was alright.

Madi watched her and walked over, leading Trudi off to one side of the corridor. "Right, somethin's up, what is it?"

Trudi sighed heavily and looked at the young girl. "Sorry... Just.. time of the month." she lied.

Madi nodded in understanding, smiling. "Gotcha. Well I've always got chocolate supplies in my locker."

Trudi just let out a strained laugh. "Thanks." she said, feeling a stabbing pain in her stomach, but she calmly breathed through it, making sure not to cause any more concern with her friends. '_Is this normal...?_' she thought to herself as she watched Madi walk away. She only needed to get through break, she thought it was time Finn knew.

She sighed heavily once more and walked outside into the playground. She saw Finn talking to Josh, and started over toward him. "Finn!" she shouted.

As she expected, Finn took one look at her, said something to Josh and started to walk away from her.

"Finn please! I need to talk to you!" she said, walking after him.

"You made it clear last week Trudi, we're over." he glared at her and stormed off, leaving Trudi alone once more.

"At least you're brother's having a good time."

Trudi turned to see Madi stood by her.

"Well I just saw him with that rat Emily. Looked to be getting pretty cosy is you ask me."

"Are you serious?"

"Well... they were kissing... bold as brass.."

Trudi just looked at her for a moment, then walked off toward the school. She walked through the corridor until she found Emily and she fought the smirk wanting to appear on her face. '_This will teach the little hypocrite._' she said to herself.

Once she had her little chat with Emily-'_My God somebody should slap the annoying little..._'- Trudi made her way to the common room to have a few words with her brother. It's time he knew exactly what was on her mind.

* * *

"Right so if you've got some coursework left to do, just get that done for me please, and I'll have everything at the end of the lesson." Sian said and took her seat at her desk, and started sorting out the paperwork she had to deal with as the class got out their work and wrote in silence.

Madi kept a close watch on Trudi out the corner of her eye for about 5 minutes until Trudi started shifting uncomfortably in her seat. "Are you sure you're alright? You look like you're in pain." Madi asked her, she'd suffered with period pains before but a paracetamol tablet usually sorted it out quick enough. This was something different.

Trudi looked at her and slowly started to stand up. "I am..." she told her, and started to walk out of class.

"Trudi?" Sian stood up, and watched her go before looking to Madi. "What's going on?"

"Probably time of the month." Madi shrugged, the class laughing at the comment.

"Quiet!" Sian snapped.

"Actually she hasn't been right all day." Madi said.

"No.. this can't be happening..." Trudi said softly as she pushed her way into the girls toilets and collapsed into a cubicle. Though she knew it, she didn't want it to be true. '_I'm sorry... I was just beginning to get used to you... Just starting to picture what you'd look like..._' she thought sadly as she started crying.


	4. Chapter 4

**Why Me?**

_It feels like there's a huge part of me missing. A part I never even knew was there before you. I just wish I could erase these past few weeks. Change my mind set. Told Finn about you. Maybe this wouldn't have happened. I should have known he'd never walk out on us and I'm sorry I did this to you... My dad... he wasn't angry when I told him I'd lost you. Disappointed cause he thought I'd been silly. But then I told him you were an accident, and he just settled for just being here for me. Accident was sort of the wrong word to use... The more I thought of you the less I started to think of you as a bad thing to happen to me, but a good thing. You wouldn't even be aware of anything inside me yet, but know I would have loved you. No matter what. I understood now what mum meant when she saw me, your uncle Tariq and your auntie Nas... The light and the fire and the passion inside of her she called us. And that was you to me in those last two hours before you left me... You probably thought I hated you and maybe that's why you decided not to carry on... and I don't blame you for thinking that. And I don't blame you if you're up there with my mum, looking down on me and hating me. I don't like me very much either right now. But wherever you are. Please please hear me when I say I love you._

__Trudi stopped writing when she heard a knock at the door. '_Stupid teachers..._' she thought to herself, wiped her eyes and stood up, putting the piece of paper in her coursework folder and shut it, walking down the stairs still in her bed clothes and dressing gown, opening the door to see Sian at the door. Trudi silently stepped aside to let the science teacher in and shut the door behind her.

"How are you feeling?" Sian asked as the two of them walked into the living room and sat opposite each other, Trudi on the sofa, Sian in the arm chair.

"Numb." Trudi said simply.

Sian felt for her. The young girl's usually bright eyes now looked as dull and dark as her hair. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to suffer such a thing, she wanted nothing more than to make everything alright again. "You will get through this you know."

Trudi just shrugged, forcing herself to look up at her. "Would things have been different had I been honest from the start?"

"I don't know, Trudi. But hiding out at home isn't going to help you. You'll fall behind in your classes so close to your exams, and your friends will miss you."

Trudi looked at her. "I can't do it... I can't face them."

Sian leaned over and gently put her hand on the young girl's arm. "If Vicki can do it, then I'm sure you can."

"Vicki McDonald?" Trudi looked confused.

"Yeah. Ronan told me that Vicki had suffered a miscarriage too. And that she was strong and she managed to come into school and get her grades. Let me tell you, if I'd have known then what I do now, I wouldn't have pushed her nearly as hard as I did." Sian told her gently. "She didn't need the stress on top of everything."

"But Vicki had support."

"Vicki didn't have family support, she only really had Ronan."

Trudi nodded, listening. Then she moved her arm away. "Can you give me a few minutes?"

"Of course." Sian smiled, and watched Trudi stand and leave the room.

Trudi stood in her room, brushing through her hair, every stroke of the brush was like it was erasing every depressing feeling from her body. Then she changed into her uniform and stood in front of the mirror. "I'm doing this for you..." she said softly to herself, grabbing her bag and she walked back down the stairs.

"You're coming in?" Sian asked, smiling at her.

"Yeah. Was getting boring staying here anyway." Trudi smiled, a small spark returning to her eyes.

Sian smiled and lead her out of the house and to her car. "Trudi? Promise me something?"

"Sure." she said, getting into the passenger seat and doing up her seat belt, her bag on the floor by her feet.

Sian got into the driver's side, doing up her own belt. "Don't be like Vicki and make her mistake of pretending everything's okay when it's not. Throwing yourself into your work to forget won't work. It's okay to talk and it's okay to tell someone when you're not coping."

Trudi smiled, an actual genuine smile for the first time in weeks. "Okay. I promise." she nodded. She looked to be slowly getting on the right track.

Sian smiled. Trudi was a smart girl, she knew very well she would go far. She looked to be getting over it already, but she knew full well she wasn't. It would be a long process of recovery, but with her support network, she was sure Trudi would be okay. She just hoped Finn would see it that way and stop acting the prat he has been. She'd seen a side to him she'd never seen last week. A more vulnerable side. He genuinely would have cared had things gone differently. Watching him through the window when Trudi had left to go to the hospital tugged at her heart.

* * *

'_What the hell happened?_' Trudi's mind screamed when she saw Finn and her sister standing outside her sister's den, both doubled over and both coughing. She ran over to them "Nas!" she shouted, hugging her as Mr Byrne pulled up in the car and the gangs dispersed. She barely had time to get her sister away when Tariq had Finn up the wall and punched him.

Trudi got her sister into the car as Finn staggered over to them

"I'm sorry." he said.

'_I knew it was too good to be true._' Trudi thought sadly. "You haven't changed at all. Leave us alone Finn." she said and shut the door. She didn't bother looking out the window at him as they were driven off.


	5. Chapter 5

**Why Me?**

__"Trudi he saved me." Nas said, watching as her sister worked through final pieces of coursework.

"You two still haven't told me exactly what's happened." Their father put in as he walked into the kitchen to see his two girls at the table.

"It's nothing, dad it's just Finn and Tariq being completely stupid as usual, I wouldn't be surprised if one of them ended up dead before the school year's out." Trudi said before Naseem could say a word.

The older man just said nothing else on it, knowing better than to say anything when Trudi was in a mood to snap anyone's head off regardless who they were. David Cameron could be standing there and she wouldn't be afraid to rip him to pieces. "Well I'm off to do some food shopping. Anything you two want?"

"No I'm alright." Trudi said, calmer this time.

"Yeah so am I." Naseem said, smiling.

"Right. Be good, and try and keep your brother out of trouble." He kissed them both on the head and exited the room, grabbing his car keys on the way out.

"Yeah like that's possible." Trudi muttered. "Finn tried to kill you Nas. Regardless of whether he pulled you out or not, he got involved with those stupid gangs which shows he's just as immature as Tariq." she said, finishing up her English coursework and placed it in her folder, looking for the next thing to finish up.

"What's this?" Naseem asked, picking up a piece of paper.

"Nothing." Trudi said, snatching it back, folded it and put it in her jacket pocket.

Naseem bit her lip and got up, walking out the room.

Trudi froze for a moment, sighed heavily and stood up, following her. "I'm sorry... If I show you, promise not to say anything to anyone?"

Naseem nodded, looking at her.

Trudi walked out into the hall way, looking out of the front door window to see if Tariq was outside, then she sat on the stairs, pulling the piece of paper back from her pocket as her sister joined her on the stairs. "Here..." she said, using her all of her willpower not to start shaking. Her inner-most thoughts and feelings about her lost baby were on that page.

Naseem took the paper from her and carefully unfolded it, and started to read it. By the time she was finished, she was crying and she hugged her sister.

Trudi hugged back. "I might not talk much. But writing it all down seems to be helping me..." she said softly.

Naseem nodded. "Well... whatever helps for you... if if you do need to talk I'm here."

"I know." Trudi smiled a little, taking the paper from her and folded it back up again. '_Not a day goes by where I don't think about you... I would have been carrying you for about... 6 weeks now._' she thought as she watched her sister walk past her up the stairs to the bathroom to clean herself up. Trudi stood and walked into the kitchen and started to put her coursework away.

She picked up her folder and walked through to the hallway, heading up the stairs when she saw Tariq and Kyle walk in through the door. "What's he doing here?"

"Chill Truds we're not stayin' long. Where's dad?"

"Gone out." Trudi said and stormed up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door shut.

"What's up with her?" Kyle asked.

"Dunno mate she's been weird since last week." Tariq shrugged, walking into the living room and grabbing the laptop from under the coffee table.

"We order it today, it'll be with us by the last day of term." Kyle smirked. "This time Sharkey's gonna get what's coming to him."

All Tariq could think was that this was a really bad idea.


	6. Chapter 6

"C'mon Truds, it's the last day of school we all know you still have feelings for 'im. Just make up with him, be happy again."

Trudi glared at madi, but smiled when she saw the girl grinning at her. "I haven't even decided what I want to do yet."

"Well you've got until the party tonight." Madi told her. "Or I'm telling 'im."

"Mr Chalk said it was off." Trudi reminded her.

"And when have I ever listened to a teacher. After everything this place has done for us all, it deserves teh best send off we can give it. We all do."

Trudi listened and smiled. She knew she was right. At Waterloo Road she had found her voice, people that would listen and a boy that cared enough for her tha he would fight for her, even against her brother, who's shadow she had finally got the courage to step from under.

Too lost in her thoughts she didn't even acknowledge the bell until Madi nudged her.

"Hurry up, daydreamer, I'm starving."

Trudi just laughed and stood up, walking with her to the canteen.

The whole room, no, the entire building was buzzing with students, for many, knowing that their beloved school, their second home was to be pulled down was emotional, but for the older students, the prospect of one final party in memory of the place they called home, made friends and enemies, most of all found a family, was almost too much to keep calm about.

Trudi got her food with Madi and walked with her to where the rest of the girls were sat, talking about the party and what they were going to wear, who was going to who's house to get their hair and make up done.

When Finn joined the group, in the hope of a reconciliation, the gossip turned to their memories of Waterloo Road.

"Will you sign me shirt?" the scouse teenager asked, keeping his eyes on the girl he wanted to win back.

Trudi considered for a moment before picking up the blue marker pen and writing "Trudi x" on the cuff.

"Really?" he asked.

Trudi just nodded, leaned over the table and kissed him, causing everyone around them to cheer, with the odd "About time!" thrown in from a few of the girls.

The rest of the day passed fairly quickly for Trudi. She was no longer worrying about anything around her.

There was still the issue of the gangs, but Trudi just turned to ignoring her brother and his pathetic mates.

* * *

She thought he was joking. Being the usual idiot he was.

"Why can't you be happy for me for once!" Trudi snapped at her brother.

Then out of nowhere, Josh had tackled Finn to the floor as the crossbow was fired, and the arrow had caught Josh in the arm.

Then the girls screamed.

Then Kyle had tried to make a run for it, and failed as he was caught.

Trudi ran to see if Finn was okay, feeling sick after seeing the white shirt sleeve of Josh's turn a deep red, while the boy in question screamed in agony.

The moment Finn saw her he pulled her close, making her feel safe once more.

That final night at Waterloo Road, typical of its drama, sealed the deal for her. She knew she had to get as far away from Rochdale as possible. And she hoped Finn would be there to join her.

_-End-_


End file.
